Finding Self-Love and Overcoming a Toxic Relationship
How I Learned to Love and Value Myself Enough to Let Go of a Harmful Relationship and Embrace My Independence
So, after 14 months, I finally contacted my husband to talk about divorce (he is currently serving 40 yrs). I was nervous because I thought hearing his voice might make me like go all goofy again.
Nope!
See, I've spent a lot of time alone. Instead of keeping myself surrounded by people and going and going then pass out to keep from thinking about it, I chose to go through it.
I chose to sit with myself and let the thoughts come as they willed and actually think them through. Feel the pain, cry.
I asked myself the hard questions most run from.
through it all I began to understand what self love is. it’s not about being vain or egotistical. It’s not about thinking you’re better than anyone else.
Self love is accepting your flaws, knowing what can and should be changed and worked on, and taking the steps to do so.
Not because someone told you to, not so you’ll fit in and be liked, but because you yourself want to be a better person.
Self love is about accepting who you are at your core and learning to not compromise that for anyone.
Self love is about being happy being alone, because if your not happy with yourself, if you can't be alone with yourself, then you will never be happy with someone in your life.
Happiness can't be found in another. It comes from within.
And so, in talking to him, listening to him, I suddenly realized that he never truly loved me. Not in the whole 15 years we’d been together.
You don't cheat on someone you love.
You don't Degrade and belittle someone you love
You don't make someone you love question their worth or their sanity.
You don't hurt mentally or physically someone you love at least not on purpose.
All he can talk about is getting out of prison. He says he knows what he did was bad but that's all he says then goes right back into him getting out.
He had the audacity to say the judge took him away from me.
Yet had the cops not shown up that night he surely would have killed me. He'd already strangled me 4 times til I passed out that day.
I love him. Why? Love can't be explained. I love him, but I can honestly say that I never want to be with him ever again.
He took everything from me. Physical things I'd had since childhood, his sister made sure I lost everything of my mom's, including all my family photos that can never be replaced. After that he tried to take my mental health.
I forgive them both. I forgive, but I can never forget and I never have to let them back into my life.
One thing I have learned is that when someone truly loves you, they don't take from you, because to cause you pain would kill them. Someone who truly loved you builds you up, pushes you everyday to be better than you were before and would give anything to see your dreams come true.
So, I am going to divorce him. I'll be ok on my own. I find on most days I kinda like myself. I'm quiet for the most part. I like my choice of music😁
My cats seem to love me and most importantly of all I get to spend time with my daughter.
I know now I will not let another man bring me down like that.
I've been doing my healing, but I know I can love again. I can love like I've never had a broken heart because I know it's nobody else's fault for how my husband did me. But seeing red flags and knowing when to get out is different.
a lot of people will say that if you see red flags your just projecting the past on to them.
NO.
It's called being aware and being smart.
So the moral to all of this is I love myself enough finally to see my worth and I will never give him the chance to do that to me again and I will never beg a man to see my worth. If he can't see it to begin with, if he chooses to walk out of my life, then I'm good.
I'm happy with me, and that's more important than anything.
