How I overcame the things I feared

Overcoming my fears

Theresa Downs, RosaLee Foulk, me Patricia Hardesty and my daughter Autumn Dawn at her first birthday.

It’s funny really if you look at my life. An A B Honor student. Working towards being an archaeologist.

I studied my whole life towards this goal. Yet I loved reading and writing. I could tell you just about anything about an actor or actress, what movies they were in, etc.

I had ambitions and I was very independent.

Then I turned 17. I began to fully realize that my dreams would take me away from my family. Away from this tiny, one stoplight town in southwest Missouri to someplace I didn’t know.

I got scared. Not fully understanding what I was doing I moved in with my 23 year old boyfriend and eventually dropped out of school.

I’m glad I did in a way because Had I gone down the path I truly wanted I would not have my daughter. I don’t regret that.

I find it funny though. I was scared to be on my own. I was scared that I wouldn’t, couldn’t make it on my own. After all, my mom, grandma and grandpa had always taken care of me.

Lee Foulk, my grandpa

I had my daughter when I was 21, met my husband at 25 and until last year, even through the abuse, he took care of me.

So, here I sit at 39 years old facing what I feared the most. The thing that kept me from chasing my dream.

I’m alone. My grandpa, the man that taught me how to just sit and listen to the quiet sounds of nature. The man that was my rock and taught me to be proud to be a Foulk and the reason my faith in God is so strong. Passed away three months after my daughter was born.

Sick and not able to do the things he used to, he held on for three months and the day my daughter smiled at him he said, “I knew you loved me,” with tears rolling down his face and that nite he passed.

My dad would take my daughter for little walks up and down the street and when she was two years old the tumor on his sacrum had finally eaten through the nerves in his legs and after their last walk he collapsed and couldn’t walk again.

Martin Downs, my dad

When she was 11 years old she finally told my dad something that broke us all. From 2 to 11 my daughter thought it was her fault grandpa couldn’t walk.

My dad cried and was able to tell her it was the multiple myeloma that caused it, not her. A few months later, he passed from a heart attack.

My Grandma, Rosalee Foulk

My grandma, RosaLee, stubborn woman that she was, held in from 2004 to December 2017.

My mom, my best friend she let go 2 years after dad. In March 2017 she passed.

Theresa Downs, my Momma

Then my husband decided to use and drink again in 2019. After trying to kill me he was sentenced to 40 years in prison.

My husband, Thomas (Hawk) Hardesty

My daughter is 17 now and getting ready to graduate high school.

My daughter, Autumn Dawn Rosa-Lee

My best friend Shawnda moved away in 2000 and my other best friend moved away in 2010.

Shawnda

Kim my best friend

So I sit here alone. The thing I feared the most. The thing I tried so hard to run from found me right where I was.

Through all of this I learned a few things. Like how strong I really am.

I learned my grandpa kept a recording of my singing and would listen to it all the time.

I learned that my mom was human and not this superhero and I was ok with that. I learned that as much as I thought that I hated my dad, I really didn’t, don’t and I miss him.

I have learned that I am a lot like my grandma and I wish I had spent more time with her as I did my grandpa. She was a hard woman with a mischievous streak and came through some really bad times and I love her for who she was.

I love my family but they are all gone now.

My fear of losing them kept me from flying. Yet now here I sit with all of them gone and I’m still here.

The world hasn’t ended although some days it feels like it. But one thing I will do and that is put the fear of the unknown aside and with God leading I will do everything I can from this point on to make them proud of me.

I will write because that is what my mom always loved was my storytelling. I will sing because that is what my grandpa loved about me. I will survive and move on from what my husband did because that is what my grandma did.

I will live my life with no more fear because I have nothing more to fear.

One day I will see them again and I want to tell them that for them, for my daughter, for myself I lived life. And it is beautiful.